Q. Mr. FlexiSnake Guy,
My neighbor looks like The Joker. The first time my dog saw him he ran away for 2 days. At first I just thought he wore a full-head mask and worked at Six Flags or something. As it turns out though he had some chemical drain cleaner splash back on him and he really looks like that. He has an old house and I'm afraid he might try to use chemical drain cleaner again and end up looking like the Phantom of the Opera or Fire Marshall Bill. Could you please rush me 3 FlexiSnakes right away!
A. I hear 'ya partner. It's a little known fact that half the carnival sideshow freaks are really chemical drain cleaner victims. I've got a friend who sold all of his firearms and just has a gun case full of liquid drain cleaner. The guys call him Johnny Acid. He had a couple burglars break into his house one evening and he hit one with a shot of drain cleaner and the guy melted into a heap like the Wicked Witch of the West. The other burglar ran out of the house screaming. FlexiSnake is the safe way to open drains. Sounds like it will be more of a gift for your neighbor's wife than for him.
Q. Mr. FlexiSnake Guy-I had to write and tell you how FlexiSnake saved the day for us recently. My wife has an eating disorder. When she's packin' it away her arms look like Jet Li playing the drums. You'd swear she had three hands. Anyway, she accidentally ate my daughter's pet gerbel during a recent feeding frenzy. Fortunately I had a FlexiSnake in my shirt pocket, and since FlexiSnake snags hair like magic, I was able to snag it and pull it out. Not only that, but when I pulled the gerbel out of my wife's stomach, out fell a work boot that I had been missing for a week along with $2 in change. Thanks for this great invention!
A. I think I feel a slogan coming on..."FlexiSnake...cleaning drains and saving lives".
Q. Boy FlexiSnake really grabs the drain hair. I was using it to clean out my tub drain and I pulled out this gosh awful mess-I think it was the top of Gene Shallit's head. Could that be possible? At any rate the drain is working fine now thanks to FlexiSnake.
A. Well, they say alligators can live in the sewers... and come to think of it The FlexiSnake Guy hasn't seen Gene on TV lately.
Q. Dear FlexiSnake Guy. I'm an inventer too and I'm working on a little something I call "KeetSuits". They're little suits you put on your parakeet. They’ve got these fake arms that flop around when the keet tries to fly. They're for people that don't have cats. This one I've made is a Bozo the clown suit with little Bozo shoes. The only problem is the keet falls off the perch. What do you think of my idea?
A. I'm sorry, I didn't get your address-what planet are you from?
Q. FlexiSnake Guy-You must have the I.Q. of a caveman.
A. Thanks for the question. Actually The FlexiSnake Guy has never been accused of being intelligent. He doesn't know what his I.Q. is because they told him they can't figure a score in fractions. The FlexiSnake Guy doesn't know his real age either. He's been carbon-dated as early Jurassic period. He has some digital pictures of dinosaurs to prove it.
Q. Dear FlexiSnake Guy, my wife loves your invention. She sleeps with a FlexiSnake under her pillow and dreams about cleaning out drains. The other night though it accidentally got wrapped in her hair. What should we do?
A. Bad news here. As you know, FlexiSnake grabs and holds hair tighter than two girls in a boyfriend fight. The FlexiSnake Guy is afraid you're gonna have to cut it out. You can just tell people she has ring worm or something.
Q. What are you, a plumber or something?
A. No, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.
Q. Has FlexiSnake been rigorously tested?
A. Well, let me put it this way, The FlexiSnake Guy messes around in drains so much that when he gets in an elevator full of people everybody starts checking the bottoms of their shoes.
Q. Where'd you get a nutty idea like makin' a drain snake outa Velcro?
A. The FlexiSnake Guy doesn't get out much. His wife...Mrs Guy...says that's all he does is sit around obsessing about goofy stuff. She says The FlexiSnake Guy is a possessive/repulsive. But she's German and is always getting her words mixed up. For example, she'll ask me to take her paycheck to the bank and put it in the overnite suppository.
Q. Dear FlexiSnake Guy, you should receive a Pulitzer prize for creating a revolutionary device that transcends the boundaries of socio-economic strata, harmonizing with the earth's elements and saving the planet.
A. I don't know what you just said, but do you drive a VW van with flowers painted on the side?
Q. FlexiSnake Guy-you sound kind of eccentric. Do you have messy hair, smoke a pipe and have long fingernails?
A. Oh no, I don't smoke a pipe.
I guess my wife...Mrs. Guy...would say The FlexiSnake Guy is a little eccentric. He'll go for days and forget to put on a fresh change of clothes. When he's getting dressed in the morning he checks to see which foot his socks go on. Mrs. Guy is lobbying the textile industry to put an expiration date on clothes.
Q. Why do you always speak of yourself in the third person?
A. A bad habit from years of avoiding bill collectors.
Q. Your advertising says FlexiSnake fits in your pocket. Who the heck is gonna carry a drain snake around in their shirt pocket anyway?
A. Oh, now tell me this hasn't happened to you. You go to a party and the host comes up to you and says "my drain is slow and I haven't got a snake!"...I just reach in my shirt pocket and pull out a FlexiSnake and say "well here, try one of mine".
Q. My 64 Chevy makes a funny sound when I try to start it. Do you think a FlexiSnake might help?
A. Gee The FlexiSnake Guy doesn't think so...unless...is it like a blood curdling screeching sound? If so, maybe the neighbor's cat is caught in the fan blade, in which case, yeah, get a FlexiSnake, twist it into his fur and yank the poor critter outa there.
Coming soon...The FlexiSnake Guy interviews celebrities.
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